Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Life in Remission

Here recently my life has been relatively boring (hence why there hasn't been a blog post in over a month). I have seen my oncologist once, as well as my surgeon in the past month and have received good news from both regarding my tumor markers. They are still going down. I also had a CT scan back on the 15th and it showed no abnormalities, also good news. So, as far as my physical health goes, I'm in pretty good shape. My mental state on the other hand...

When I was told the good news back in April I thought I would just jump back into the swing of things, get back in shape, back to work, actually enjoying married life, and being thankful everyday for being a survivor. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I haven't worked since December, the job I did have before I got too sick to work is still out there, it just doesn't have benefits. And given my current state, we need benefits. So, I've been applying for everything I can possibly think of in the Murray area with no luck. I thought I had a job at the hospital here in Murray with the marketing department. Even made it to the second interview and felt pretty confident about it but, alas they went with someone else. Being jobless weighs on you. I wake up every morning and am in a constant state of cabin fever. I mean, a house can only be so clean. It's driving me nuts.

I'm also having difficulties sleeping at night. I'll go to bed around midnight, and have no trouble falling asleep. But, around 3 am I'll wake up for no apparent reason and not be able to go back to sleep until 5 sometimes 6 am. I've tried sleep aids such as Unisom, and Midnite. I've even tried taking Melatonin. I don't eat too late, and it doesn't matter if I've worked all day or just laid around. I don't sleep. The only other thing I can think of is stress. But how does one de-stress?

I think overall, I'm just having a difficult time being happy. So much has changed in my life since cancer that I have a difficult time remembering what made me happy before I was diagnosed. I look at things differently now. I want to be carefree and live life day by day, but it becomes difficult when you're an adult. When you don't have a job, the bills still show up, and they still get have to get paid. You start to figure out what you can do without real fast. All of the sudden, New York strip steaks turn into Sirloins. Sirloins then turn into ground beef (although I do grill a mean burger).

I am by no means inviting you to a pity party thrown by me. I'm not like that. Ever since I have started this blog, it has been a healthy way for me to express what is on my mind. I like to think of it as my therapy and you are my couch.

I'm going to close this post today asking you to keep my grandfather in your thoughts and prayers. A few weeks ago he went to the doctor because he had lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time. Well, long story short, there is a possibility he might have some form of cancer. He has been a role model and mentor to me for as long as I can remember and he is a loving man of God. So, please remember him and your thoughts and prayers. Until next time...

1 comment:

  1. Paul, I just heard about Tom and we will keep him in our prayers. He is a good man. Thinking you were wanting to do anything God wanted you to do if he healed you. He has something. I pray He will open your eyes to see. Also, you were so eloquent(sp-sorry) and the wife:),in writing your journey. Maybe writing a book that would help others with their same journey and how God got you through. Just what is on my heart-Love your cousin Sharon